A friend from afar

It was nice to see my friend again. It's been quite a while. I had a chance to see her last year at her wedding. But I missed it. I regret that I didn't go.

We've been friends for more than 12 years. I just realized such a lasting friendship is very precious. People come and go out of our lives. The ones who stay friends can be counted with only one hand. Well... for me that is. Some people are more successful at making friends. I am not. I am not very inclined towards socializing. I am just weird I guess. I just think that I was never good at it and I am still not. But interestingly, I do have very good relationships with people at school and at work--colleagues, secretaries, professors... even the janitors. It seems so contradictory.

I will miss my friend dearly. But I know that she's married to a good husband. She will be well taken care of. I have a good instinct about people. I somehow feel that her husband is a good person and he will be good to her. I am happy for her.

Speaking of dreams...

I had a weird one this morning. In the dream, I was with someone and looking at the sonogram of a baby. Aiyo.. so weird... I have no idea who the lady was! I assume I was looking at her baby on the monitor. I felt I was close to that woman. But I have no recollection of how she looked like... and I am pretty sure that I do not know her. I also remember that seeing the baby kicking in her womb. Geez...

An update...

I passed my PhD defense on Tuesday. I am so gald that it is almost over now. I have to deposit my thesis and that's about it. At the mean time, I am very busy trying to get a NSF proposal put together for my advisor... and trying to pack up to get ready for moving in December.

A friend is coming all the way from California... I am going to meet her up in Chicago. A party of sorts... with her husband and her many friedns... looking forward to that. Kinda scared a little.. Meeting new people. Oh....

Acknowledgments

This is the acknowledgments I wrote for my thesis.

Six years into its making, this thesis finally comes to life. I must, therefore, give thanks with deepest gratitude to my major advisor, Dr. Rao Govindaraju, for his patience in putting up with my constant procrastination. In truth, Dr. Govindaraju has been a tremendous mentor, and I owe him everything that I have accomplished in my academic endeavor at Purdue. I am also deeply indebted to Dr. Dennis Lyn for his guidance not only in academic research but also in life. I will miss dearly the countless hours that I spent in his office distracting him from his work. His brilliant intellect (along with his hair) will always remind me of Albert Einstein. It has been my great fortune to know Dr. Lyn and have him served on my committee. I am greatly thankful to Dr. Ramachandra Rao for his support and guidance in life. He has been like a surrogate father to me for my many years at Purdue, away from home. I would also like to thank Dr. John Cushman for serving on my committee. I will always be in awe of his exceptional brilliance in mathematics. Dr. James Alleman, while not serving on my committee, has been monumental to both my
undergraduate and graduate career at Purdue. My sincere gratitude goes to him.

I have been fortunate to work with a group of great staff members in the School of Civil Engineering. Without their help, this thesis would not have been possible. They are, Rita Butz, Dinah Hackerd, Linda Higgins, Marcie Duffin, and Tom Cooper. My thanks also go to my fellow graduate students, Zorana Naunovic, En-Ching Hsu, Bin Zhang, and Nazmun Nahar, for their companionship has made my journey through graduate school endurable. Special thanks go to my friends, Karen Cheng and Jennie Mak, who have shared with me good times and given me support through difficult ones.

I have to express my utmost gratitude to my family. I am forever indebted to my parents and my sister for their sacrifice that had allowed me to pursue my dream and my future. I am especially thankful for their unfailing love and support. Their confidence in my ability provided me with the necessary strength to complete this thesis. Finally, I give thanks to God, for He has made every thing possible in my life.

During my graduate study at Purdue, I received financial support from the Joint Transportation Research Program (JTRP) and the Purdue Research Foundation (PRF). The School of Civil Engineering had also provided me with teaching assistantship, from which I gained valuable teaching experience and also discovered my great love for teaching. Their support is gratefully acknowledged and appreciated.

Bright and Beautiful

Time to post an entry. Lazy bone took on a strike this past few days and refused to produce any thing for this blog of mine...

I bid farewell to my parents last Saturday. I thought I would have felt relieved when they left... but I didn't. In fact, I missed them already... not only for the food that they prepared... but also for their very presence. I start to understand my mom's feelings about our family being all together. I did feel the completeness when my sister was here a few months ago. It had been years since we had a chance for 4 of us being together.

I finally found a place to live near work. It's a nice little townhouse with 2 bedrooms and an attached garage. The landlord is Filipino and she is so very nice and let me move in my stuff next week before I even start paying her rent. I am fortunate to run into nice people... I have to be thankful to God, for He has done amazing things in my life especially in the past few months. Thank you, God. You have made every day of life bright and beautiful.

Relationship

What sustain a relationship are not big promises, but rather, everyday little things.

A Presentation

I have a presentation to share. I promised the person who wrote the presentation not to reveal his name. I am not going to make any comments on the presentation itself. But let me assure you that this person has put in tremendous efforts in preparing this presentation. In fact, I admire and respect this person very much. Here it is. Enjoy!

六月我去中国。在我的演讲，我要你们告诉我的旅行。我也 给你们看一些照片。

这是中国的地图。北京在这儿。我在北京待一个星期。我也去成都市，四川省的首都。中国是太大国家，北京离成都市大约一千英里。然后我也有在长江巡游，从重庆穿过三峡地区。

在北京我住请华大学。这是校园的一页照片。像普渡，不过有更多的自行车。这是祥普度的工程方圆。

音为烹饪和熊猫，四川省是有名。他也有四川聚，他的特点是很快的面具变化。注意面具。

巡游在重庆市跟一瓶啤酒。这是我朋有，曲先生。她是中国人。背景是有名三峡的一个峡。别的照片的三峡的一个峡。 这是三峡大坝，世界上最大坝。

3 for $99

I have to post this. The writer speaks my heart literally.

三件 99 塊　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　‧王文華

媽媽的一生，都在尋找三件99塊的東西。但我今天終於明白，她活得比我們誰都高貴。我從小就知道家裡不有錢，也曾因此埋怨過爸媽。但現在回頭看，從小到大，沒有一次，是的，沒有一次，我沒有得到我想要的東西。我要的玩具，要的衣服，要的科系，要的人生，媽媽統統給了我。沒有打折，只有更多……

哥哥一家人帶媽媽去淡水玩，回來後我問她玩了哪些地方、吃了什麼東西。她沒有說出著名的漁人碼頭或阿給，反倒是興奮地說：「我幫你買了幾條褲子！」我從她手上接過一個紅白相間的塑膠袋，把裡面的東西拿出來一看，是三件一套的內褲。雖然有「Burberry」的格子花紋，牌子卻叫做「Gi- annetto」。「是名牌嗎？」媽媽問我。「哇，是義大利的！」我假裝興高采烈地說。她流露出驕傲的表情：「我很會買吧，義大利的，三件才99塊！」

周末時，媽媽常會到我家，幫我整理東西、洗洗衣服。每次來時，她總是要數落我一遍。「你發什麼神經，買這麼大的垃圾袋？76公升？你一個人住，哪來這麼多垃圾？」我跟她解釋，大一點的垃圾袋可以把垃圾桶底部整個蓋住，進而伸到邊緣之外，這樣倒垃圾時，就不會不小心丟到袋子外，掉進垃圾桶底部。「你又不是練習投籃，站那麼遠丟幹什麼？」她走到垃圾桶旁邊，把筒蓋打開，把一個小袋子放進去，小袋子蹲在裡面，像一朵枯萎的花。她蹲下，把衛生紙輕輕地放進去，「你看，這樣垃圾這麼會掉出來嗎？」「唉呀，媽，沒關係啦，反正垃圾袋很便宜嘛！」「76公升的垃圾袋一包多少錢？」「唉呀，幾十塊而已啦。」其實我根本不知道多少錢，敷衍敷衍她。後來一個星期天中午，全家正和樂融融地吃午飯時，她突然在歡樂的氣氛中冒出一句：「ㄝ，我昨天去便利商店問，他們說76公升的垃圾袋一包要三百四十二塊？你是騙我還是根本不知道多少錢？」我嚼著白飯，啞口無言，「三百多塊買根本要丟掉的東西，你神經病喔！」等到我們已經吃完飯在吃水果了，她一邊看華視逌勁歌金曲逡還一邊咕噥：「這麼浪費，有一天會身敗名裂！」

媽媽不花錢買垃圾袋，因為她的世界垃圾其實不多。在有「環保」這個觀念之前，媽媽已經在做「垃圾回收」。「這麼漂亮的領帶，要丟掉啊？這個電腦鍵盤很好啊，擦一擦還可以用吧！」我的垃圾，被她收了回來，洗乾淨以後，像新的一樣。我放棄的理想，被媽媽找了回來，他告訴我只要我努力，有一天我會閃閃發光。「那個燈壞了，」我說，「換燈泡也沒用。」「喔，那就丟了吧！」但不管她再怎麼囉唆，最後總會給我餘地，配合我的演出。

因為媽媽節省的個性，很多時候我們必須說善意的謊言。對於買的東西的價錢，特別是買給她的東西，要刻意說很低。對於自己的收入，要說得很高。但不管你買的東西多便宜，賺的錢再多。在媽媽的眼中，我們永遠是浪費的！

出門時燈沒關，浪費！一個人在家兩個房間開冷氣，浪費！喝礦泉水、坐商務艙、剩菜沒吃完、訂兩份報紙、去健身房跑步、花錢請人打掃、洗衣粉倒太多、牙膏從前面擠、到機場坐計程車、西裝穿一次就乾洗、花錢買抹布而不用舊內褲，統統都是浪費！報應都是娶到麻臉老婆之類的。所以她寧願脹得不舒服，也要把點的菜吃完。寧願把好衣服的質料洗壞，也不送去乾洗。所以要乾洗的衣服，我們藏起來。上館子吃晚飯，我們不吃午餐。

媽媽所以這樣節省，跟她的際遇有關。從小離家，身無分文闖蕩天下，一輩子公務員，每一塊錢，都是加班和標會存起來的。「你們這些年輕人喔，身在福中不知福，沒有窮過，花錢像花水一樣。」窮過的媽媽，對於金錢永遠有種不安全感。縱使今天有了積蓄，刷牙時水龍頭仍會關緊，兩三件衣服絕對不用洗衣機。她的錢，一塊一塊地賺來。花的時候，也一塊一塊地花。我們花錢，總是一百一百、一千一千地讓人找。她買任何東西，總是能找出剛好的零錢。媽媽一輩子沒用過信用卡，一輩子沒欠過帳。六十歲後沒買過衣服，十年來鞋子都是那一雙。帶她去逛 101，「媽，我們買這件衣服給你好不好？」「多少錢？」「兩千塊。」我們自動減了一萬，她仍然說：「神經病，我在沅陵街買，比這裡便宜一倍！」為了讓媽媽嘗鮮，我們帶她去吃義大利麵，她說：「這什麼玩意兒啊？還不如巷口的涼麵！」

媽媽沒刷過卡，也沒理過財。她看我們買股票，覺得我們都在玩火自焚。所以我們賺了錢會趕快跟她講賺了，賠了錢也會趕快跟她講賺了！「你雖然賺了這麼多，」她很堅定地說，「總有一天你會賠光的！」她不懂什麼「用錢來賺錢」這種fancy的理論。對她來說，只有手能賺錢。只有辛苦能賺錢。我猜有一天若是給她中了樂透，她大概不敢去領。她可能會覺得這是惡魔附身的開始，有一天會「身敗名裂」。

媽媽自己節省，對外人卻很大方。她每個月催我按時繳房租，好像她是房東。「該給別人的就要給別人。」當然在我繳了之後，她又要數落我租這麼貴的房子。不過數落歸數落，講完了，她還是不放過任何一個付錢的機會。她跟哥哥一家人住一起，收報費的來，她付。送乾洗的來，她付。全家人出去吃飯，我哥哥、大嫂、我自己從來沒付過錢。她總是搶著付，甚至連菜都還沒上完她就跑到櫃檯，深怕我們搶走她的風采。「我知道你們賺錢很辛苦，開支又大。你們的錢自己省下來用。我沒什麼開銷，錢擺著也是擺著，我來付。」一千四百二十四塊，就看她叮叮噹噹地，用一塊一塊付得一乾二淨。我媽是付帳的完全投手，完全不給收銀員任何表現的機會。

她不僅搶著付錢，更拒絕拿我們的錢。媽媽退休了，我們賺錢了，每個月我們給她一點錢，天經地義。但她從來不要，我們給她也不收。我還沒結婚，每年生日、過年，還是拿到紅包。過去有女朋友時，連女朋友都給。「其實我沒有那麼愛她，」我跟媽媽說，「你把給她的那份一起給我好了。」但當媽媽生日時我反送她，她卻總是拒收。當場拒收不成，事後又藏在我家某處。這當然是要讓我驚喜，哪一天掀開枕頭猛然看到我的結婚基金。但她又怕我沒發覺，一包錢就這樣不見了，所以總是忍不住又提醒一番，「ㄝ，你那包錢我放在枕頭底下，回去時趕快收好。」

媽媽省那兩三塊的垃圾袋，但不省大錢。我和哥哥都讀了九年的私立中小學，那時學費一學期要一萬多。我去美國念MBA，兩年花了兩百萬台幣，全是爸媽一學期一學期、幾千美金幾千美金寄去的。我從來不需要開口，戶頭的餘額永遠足夠。餘額的每一個零，都是爸媽十幾二十年吃涼麵的身影。我在名校裡高高在上，看不到爸媽身影後無數的卑躬屈膝。我曾經覺得：媽媽破舊的衣服讓我們在同學面前丟臉，她的討價還價讓我們在美麗的女店員面前尷尬。但她若不是這樣，我哪能念我的 MBA？做我的雅痞？搞那些生活品味，自以為我比我媽高級？

媽媽花錢最多的時候，是爸爸生病的那兩年。那時看護一星期的薪水就是一萬多。爸爸癌症的末期，所有治療方法都無效後，醫生在她逼迫下提出一種還在試驗階段的「免疫療法」。醫生說：「這也是打針，但副作用比較低，病人痛苦的程度比較小。不過健保不給付，一針一萬七。」當我和我哥還在考慮時，我媽冒出一句：「打！」爸爸的喪禮上，媽媽堅持不收奠儀，親朋好友好心仍然給的，統統集合起來捐給慈善機構。「這樣，你爸爸就在別的生命中活了下來。」

媽媽的一生，都在尋找三件 99 塊的東西。但我今天終於明白，她活得比我們誰都高貴。我從小就知道家裡不有錢，也曾因此埋怨過爸媽。但現在回頭看，從小到大，沒有一次，是的，沒有一次，我沒有得到我想要的東西。我要的玩具，要的衣服，要的科系，要的人生，媽媽統統給了我。沒有打折，只有更多。她總是在表面上喋喋不休地數落，事後又偷偷地塞給我。

媽媽七十多歲了，一向身體健康、個性熱情。你若打電話到我們家，那個搶著電話的人是我媽。她的那一聲「喂」，比三十幾歲的我還要響亮。過年她主動跟朋友拜年，打的電話比我們誰都多。但歲月畢竟是歲月，這一年，媽媽身體的狀況也多了。只不過在漁人碼頭逛了一圈，回來就感冒兩個禮拜。我坐在陰暗的客廳，聽著她在臥房的咳嗽聲，數不清其中有多少聲，該記在我的帳上。躺在床上的媽媽也知道：孩子的想法跟她不一樣了。我們那些善意的謊言，她很體貼地不戳破。如果被刻劃成一個過度節省的媽媽能夠讓我們這些浪費的小孩偶爾克制一下，她不介意被貼上那樣的標籤。她不會刻意改變自己來迎合我們，也不期待我們有一天會勤儉持家。觀念無法更改，代溝永遠存在，三件一套的東西她會繼續買，我會繼續用垃圾袋。我們偶爾會爭吵，吵過後的後悔像一把刀。事後她還是會來幫我洗衣服，默默地蓋那條跨越代溝的橋。

媽媽的咳嗽聲漸漸大了，我跟七歲的侄子說：「你去看奶奶要不要喝水。」他毫不理睬，捧著一盒東西站在我面前，「你要不要跟我玩我新買的台灣版大富翁？」「你不是已經有大富翁了嗎？」「那是美國版的。」我搶過他的第二套大富翁，摸著尚未開封的膠膜，竟冒出一句：「你們這些小孩子喔，真是身在福中不知福。這麼浪費，有一天會身敗名……」

那一刻我突然打住，當下第一個念頭是……

謝謝你，媽。

◎刊載於《聯合報》副刊 2004 / 02 / 13

Shooting star

I thoought I saw a shooting star on the way home, did I? A bright white dot falling off the edge of the sky...

I always wanted to see a shooting star because I never quite knew whether I saw one or not. Just like this time. Friends... can you tell me what a real shooting star looks like?